


It's so quiet here (and I feel so cold)

by Agido6



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, it's really just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:07:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28165971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agido6/pseuds/Agido6
Summary: If Sana keeps telling herself it's not real, then it's not real. Because there's no way this is happening. Not to them.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	It's so quiet here (and I feel so cold)

The car rolled to a quiet, gut-wrenching stop in front of her house. 

Sana didn't want to get out. She _couldn't_ get out. If she opened the door, if she reached for that handle and pulled it open, then that meant it was real. And it couldn't be real. She squeezed her eyes shut, gripping the sides of the seat tighter and tighter. 

"Sana." 

Hearing Nayeon speak, after almost an hour of terrible, billowing silence, both exhilarated and pained Sana. She loved Nayeon's voice. Sana adored how she could fluctuate between lively and vibrant to gentle and caring in seconds, cherished how awed Nayeon seemed to be when she told Sana that she was beautiful or perfect, or that she was everything Nayeon ever wanted. Now that it was so monotone, so flat and compressed....well, it fucking hurt. 

"Sana, you have to go." Nayeon's tone was rougher now, edged with the desperation, the torment that Sana wasn't facing. She couldn't face it, because then it was real. And it couldn't be real. This wasn't happening. 

"Sana, please don't make me call Jihyo to come get you. I don't want it to have to go that way." Sana finally looked over, turned her head ever so slightly to take in Nayeon's features in the dark interior. Surely she wasn't _that_ distressed. The shadows playing across her face had to be indenting and pressing harshly, making Nayeon look so much more tired and anguished than she actually was. 

"Go which way?" Sana asked. 

Everything was fine. Wasn't it? It was _fine._

Nayeon inhaled brokenly, her voice catching. And it...shook something in Sana. The state she had wrapped herself in, with all of the determined numbness, it began to split open just a bit. Sana's eyes widened at the hint of what was underneath, what was stirring. She could feel the low, heavy, throbbing wave of pain in her gut. She didn't want to deal with it, because she wouldn't come back up this time. 

"Sana...please. Please, let's just both walk away civilly. This isn't working, okay? We fucking tried. But I don't...I don't see how I can try harder. Just... _please._ " Nayeon whispered. Sana's fists clenched involuntarily, fighting back against the wave beginning to break through. She couldn't do this now, not here, not in front of Nayeon. 

"Okay." The word came out surprisingly steady, and Sana could tell that Nayeon was relieved even in the dim lighting. She noticed the way Nayeon's shoulders relaxed just slightly, her back settling into the seat. "Thanks." 

Sana was in deep shit now. The wave was pounding in her chest, in her head, threatening to crash over her at any second, and she had no idea what would happen if Nayeon saw her like this again. She couldn't scare her that way anymore, couldn't terrify the girl she loved more than life itself. Even if that girl didn't want her anymore. 

"Nayeon?" _Shit._ Her voice came out so much rougher and tortured than she meant it to. 

"Y-Yeah?" 

"Is there any way you can say it? Even though you don't mean it? Just...just once more. For the last time ever." Sana whispered. 

It was silent for an excruciatingly long time. Sana bent over just slightly, starting to choke on the little gasps of air she could manage to pull through. _Can't panic here, don't fall apart again, Nayeon can't deal with this._

"Isn't that going to hurt you more?" Nayeon's voice, she was relieved to note, held more than just curiosity. There was concern there. 

"No...it won't. Can you say it even though you don't mean it?" Sana asked. It was all she could manage without completely succumbing to the panic, and the _aching._

"....okay." 

The relief that washed over Sana was, as Nayeon had always been for her, a temporary, beautiful distraction. Even if she didn't mean it, the fact that Nayeon agreed to this one, small thing for her even after all Sana had put them through meant the world to her. She rubbed one finger absently over the scar on her wrist. Maybe it would be enough to sedate her through the night, before she woke up and the reality hit her as cruelly as it had tonight. Nayeon was no longer hers, and she was going to be alone again. 

_Just like you deserve to be._

"I promise, it's fine." Sana assured her, reaching for the door handle and gripping it tighter than was necessary, but her fingers had begun to shake violently. _Just get out of the car, you can fall apart once you're out._ She looked at Nayeon, who was staring out of the windshield, the pulse flickering rapidly in her throat. It always got that way whenever she was anxious, or overly excited. Sana used to think it was so cute, used to giggle and press her lips to that point, until Nayeon gave in with a soft smile and sigh, and buried her face in Sana's neck to calm down. 

_Gone. She's fucking gone. Your fault._

_All your fault._

"Good night. I love you." Sana whispered. The words were true enough by themselves. She'd never loved anybody in the way she loved Nayeon, who had taught her how to see the beauty in other people, in wanting to live for herself, and how to appreciate simple things in life like sunshine and water. But beyond that- the phrase was laced with a heavier meaning, things Sana couldn't say out loud. 

_I'm sorry I'm fucked up. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I wish I could be better for you. I'm so so sorry._

_Please don't leave._

Nayeon's head was leaned against the headrest now, but ever so slowly, she turned to look at Sana. Her cheek was pressed against the leather, her gaze quiet and imperceptible. Sana's grip tightened alarmingly hard on the handle. Had Nayeon lied? She _needed_ this. 

"I love you." Nayeon's whisper was a caress and a burn at the same time. It leached Sana's pain, while sinking into her in another place, and suddenly Sana needed to leave. She was so, so close to going under, and not again, not in front of Nayeon. She desperately yanked the door open, breathing hard to take in the cool air, and was about to shut it when Nayeon spoke again. 

"Sweet dreams." 

Sana froze. No. _No._ She'd been holding it together so fucking well. It wasn't fair. Two words- just two little words- from Nayeon had undone her. 

The car's engine purred to life, and Sana desperately backed up, turning away as the wave snapped and began lapping up and over her in dangerous, _horrible_ motions. Nonononono....

The car disappeared into the night. Sana gradually sank onto the curb, her chest lacerated and overwhelmed and unbearable. All she could do was pray that it would pass, and hope that Jihyo would call to break through the haze she was trapped in, but she was kidding herself. There was no going back this time. Nayeon wasn't returning. 

Just for a moment, the wave receded, and then swept violently over her again. 

Sana did not resurface. 

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to City of Stars by Logic and clearing out old photos on my phone when this idea came to me. It was rough to write, but I had to get it out before I went to sleep. Sorry, Sana.
> 
> The title is from 'So Cold' by Ben Cocks, featuring Nikisha Reyes-Pile.


End file.
